Absolutes

Though it’s never been at an all time high, my self-confidence has crumbled recently.

I’ve started to question the work I do, the people about me, the writing of my blog pieces like this one, my poetry and my photography to name but a few things.

I think I’ve fallen into a pattern of absolutes.

 

It’s easy to fall into the trap of absolutes.

Absolute failure, absolute perfection.

Absolutely will work or absolutely won’t work.

 

With the depression and anxiety I have, it’s often easy to forget that the world exists outside of those two polar opposites. Perhaps that’s why I find it difficult to engage with it at times.

Sometimes I feel an absolute failure, or think I have to be absolutely perfect to fit in, contribute, to have value or meaning.

 

Perhaps some of how I feel, some of what I tell myself is a subconscious desire to be both of those absolutes at the same time.

If I tell myself “I’ll never be good enough” or “I’ll never do that” or “I’m worthless” – could I be striving to be the absolutely perfect absolute failure? Is that not a home run? Managing both at the same time.

Does that help? Does that make sense to me, or does it contribute to my uncertainty and lack of understanding.

 

If I over come the barriers that are absolute, does my mind throw out other spanners into the works like procrastination or distraction. No matter how well-intentioned isn’t that another detour my subconscious takes me on.
Why? Perhaps to avoid a world which I fear. A fear that I won’t fit in, a fear that I won’t understand, A fear I will be hurt again more than I already have been. Maybe so, maybe that’s a matter I need to confront my subconscious on and call bullshit. Perhaps I need to push myself back out there, much as I may crave recognition or support, the chances of it finding me increase when I put myself into a position to be seen.